Dance Again: Grief is Healing

I wrote this book at a time in my life when I was experiencing what many of us are experiencing today: uncertainty, fear, and grief. I hope that reading this book will support you in discovering how grief can be healing.

Fear at the Door; Rest Inside...

In the spring of 2012, I heard this word, "Rest." I realized how horrible I was at it. I wasn't even sure what it was. Was it extra sleep? Was it not working on Sundays? Shortly after I heard this word, my life began changing. For one reason or another, one by one, the things with which I occupied myself were stripped away until I found myself with nothing left to hold.

A year later I was in a panic, wondering how we were going to make ends meet. Everything in me said to do what I had always done: get on email, get on the phone, make the next thing happen. Anyone who knew me knew I was someone who could make anything happen. If I didn't know how, I bought a book and learned. Anything I ever wanted I found a way to get.

Then I heard the word again, "Rest."

"What?! Now? No. My family is depending on me. My reputation is at stake. I don't have time for rest. I will rest when things are okay."

"No. That is not what rest is."

Rest is not something you do. Rest is something you put on. It is something you are while you do what you are doing. Rest is a posture.

I decided to do the exact opposite thing my insides were telling me to do. I went to the backyard, sat on a chair, and watched. I did not know what I was watching for. I listened. I did not know what I was listening for. Every time a thought or an idea came to my head, I wrote it down and then resumed sitting. It was horrible, like ignoring an itch for hours. I knew that if it was this hard for me to physically sit still, it was important for me to learn. If my body could not sit still, then how could my mind or my heart? So I decided to discipline myself to sit that way at least one day a week.

Eventually, I sat this way more often. Meanwhile, my professional life continued to fall apart and the temptation to do something about it grew. I heard so many voices, some from friends and family but most from my own head:

"You're lazy." "You're being irresponsible." "What are you doing !!" "It's up to you to provide for your family." "Get up and make something happen, now!"

Simultaneously I heard another voice:

"Rest."

"How long do I wait?"

"Rest."

This was the summer of 2013. A year later, we received the call about our soon-to-be-born baby's condition. I had thought that the urge to get up and do something was strong before, but now this was on an entirely new level. Again I heard the voice say "Rest", so we didn't research Trisomy 18. We didn't look for different doctors who would say something we wanted to hear.

I continued to sit and stare at the fence, quieting my body, and eventually, at times, quieting my mind and my heart as well. I can not even describe the amount of Fear that was present. But this time it was different. It was as if in the past Fear had walked in the door and I was afraid; now Fear stood in the doorway and waited to be invited in...