1. Do not respond to bad reviews.
2. If you must respond to bad reviews, please do not kidnap the reviewer.
3. If you must kidnap the reviewer, do not kidnap him in a public area.
4. If there are witnesses, do not also kidnap them.
5. If you also kidnap the witnesses, consider quitting crystal meth.
6. If you find yourself surrounded by hostages, purchase extra duct tape.
7. Do not let the hostages take their own hostages.
8. Invest in better coffee.
9. Don't forget: dildo crucifixes have more than one use.
10. And, most importantly: do not engage the severed heads in conversation.