This book will ruin your business. In this humorous look at business and work, you will learn how to implement the essential ingredients of the dysfunctional company: nonsensical policies and procedures, office warfare, excessive e-mails and pointless meetings, incoherent communication, bad customer service and marketing, and poor treatment of employees.
You will learn how to build an imponderable bureaucracy that will be the envy of your industry peers and will stifle business activity. Antagonistic departments organized in silos is perfect for creating a tribal and toxic work atmosphere.
You will learn the twin enemies of the dysfunctional company are its employees and its customers.
Starting with how to calculate the Asshole Density Ratio (ADR) to determine the level of dysfunctionality of your company, there are cutting-edge tips and tricks for driving away customers and pushing out your best employees and executives.
There are top-notch management insights - The Principle of the Appearance of Activity, and The Spinning Plate Theory of Management - and the fine points of Company Speak and acronym use to obfuscate communication.
All good things come to an end, and there are procedures to get rid of employees who haven't expired yet in meetings or at their desks. Of course, those who do perish must still be propped up at their work stations as an example to others.
Read this book at your peril. It may put your company out of business, or at least make you laugh while the company ship is sinking.
"Every once in a while, there is a business book that is complete bullshit. This is it."
- A Failed Businessperson