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25 Articles

THEY’RE flicking the lights on and off and putting the stools on the tables. Time’s been called. We’re about to get the arse out of here and we were only just settling in. But 31 years isn’t a bad haul, when you consider we could’ve have been drowned at birth, and the many low-down and dirty attempts at assassination that followed. It appears that here and there, now and then, from time to time, we may have annoyed a few people, but you get that in life. A few people annoyed us, too, but did we go on about it? Well, yeah, a bit. No point having a yoooj-selling national magazine if you can’t use it to slag off some pricks you don’t like. But mostly we like to think…

A FAREWELL TO Ange

AS ONE Aussie legend ends, another goes from strength to strength. While THE PICTURE will soon be no more, Angela White, Australia’s premier porn star and ambassadress of all things UNGA-UNGA, continues to achieve world dominance by having heaps of HOT SEX on camera. Nice work if you can get it. As we’re kicked into the street to clean windscreens it’s good to know at least someone we know is doing alright. Ange, you’ve had a massive last couple of years, what are you up to now? “I’ve been shooting up a storm here in Los Angeles. I just starred in a huge showcase movie Angela White: Dark Side. It includes my biggest gangbang – 11 guys – and biggest blowbang ever – 13 guys! I explore my ‘dark side’ in…

A FAREWELL TO Ange

MATES IN HIGH PLACES!

“the Picture was the only thing that kept the cardinals off the choirboys. Is-a gonna be fucken mayhem now!” HIS HOLINESS POPE FRANCIS “With every coal shipment from Australia I got them to chuck in the latest issue of the Picture for nix. Why do you think we kept buying the shit?” XI JINPING President of China “You guys! Always making with the jokes! Everybody loved reading the Picture at my bunga-bunga parties!” SILVIO BERLUSCONI Ex-prime minister of Italy “the Picture was top-selling magazine in Turkmenistan! Why you stop? I give you many camel for Kiki!” GURBANGULY BERDIMUHAMEDOW President of Turkmenistan “In every issue a thousand bosoms bloomed and the world became a happier place. Peace and blessings upon the Picture.” THE DALAI LAMA “People of glorious socialist republic of…

MATES
IN HIGH PLACES!

THAT’S ALL SHE SCROTE A HUMAN rights tribunal in Canada has chucked out a case in which a transgender woman with bloke’s fucking gear sued beauticians who refused to WAX HER SCROTUM. Jessica Yaniv requested wax jobs from a number of salons in British Columbia, but says she was knocked back ’cos they said they only did SMOOS not NUTS, which she reckons is BASTARD DISCRIMINATION. But the tribunal said nuh, she was just trying it on for the dosh, and ordered Jess to pay legal costs to some of the salons. We’ve always loved JUSTICE here at THE PICTURE! ONE FOR THE TOAD CHRIS Newsome, a seppo from Alabama, has this fucken riveting hobby – making hats for a toad. Yeah, well, it’s the last issue, so why not.…

THANKS FOR THE Mammaries!

Jo Guest “I had a great time working for THE PICTURE and enjoyed the funny letters from the readers. I had a great time when the mag brought me over to Australia, such fun times. Thank you PICTURE for all the happy mammaries! I’m so sad for all the red-blooded men of Australia. Is there a helpline they can call?” Scarlett Morgan “I’m so grateful to THE PICTURE and People mags and all the readers over the years. Not only did they teach me loads of different synonyms for boobs and vagina but appearing in those mags has empowered me and allowed me to be the person I am without judgement. Thanks guys for all the great mammaries!” Kellie Panther “Getting published in THE PICTURE for the first time gave…

THANKS FOR THE Mammaries!

IN THE BEGINNING...

The world of magazine publishing was a grim place before September 13, 1988. It was fine if you wanted 97 recipes for mince or the latest on what the Queen did on her fucken holidays, but there was nothing out there for the BLOKE ON THE STREET with a raging thirst and a RAGING HORN. Then came THE PICTURE, and the world would never be the same again. Our first issue arrived on September 13, 1988 with spunky pants-on pin-up Belinda Harrow, some piffling yarns about nothing much, and a contest where you could win $500 by picking which rock star would cark it next. It was launched with a piss-up at a trendy Sydney nightclub, attended by such mega-celebs as TV voiceover guy John Blackman of Hey Hey fame,…

IN THE BEGINNING...

the Picture PROUDLY OFFENDING OZ

We first got into deep shit on January 10, 1989, when we ran a cover featuring a nude girl with a gun to her head accompanied by the words, “Buy this magazine or we shoot this girl!” It got us BANNED, even though we wouldn’t really have shot her. Who are we kidding – OF COURSE WE WOULD’VE! Next up, #44 got banned in Papua New Guinea for reasons we have never pretended to understand. Then we ran a sincere attempt to draw attention to deficiencies in aviation safety standards in the form of the “Jumbo Blotto” comp in #74, offering a lucky reader $20,000 for correctly predicting the time, place, airline and BODY COUNT of the next major air disaster. Unfortunately, radio legend John Laws got his tonsils in…

the Picture PROUDLY OFFENDING OZ

WORLD-BEATING YARNS!

Right from the start – well, ALMOST right from the start – PICTURE was renowned for its uncanny grasp of world news. On April 1, 1988, we unveiled the world’s first THREE-TITTED COVERGIRL. No longer would the world of glamour photography be constrained by the old-fashioned notion of one girl, two breasts. An avalanche of groundbreaking journalism followed: cannibals trading their kids’ heads in for VCRs (#50), Elvis living in Arnhem Land as a blackfella (#58), the discovery of an ancient Greek civilisation in the Sydney suburb of Yagoona (#72), an interview with the world’s oldest hooker (#102), Kooris landing on the moon (#114), “Hero Pig Snorts Drugs to Save Kiddies” (erm… we must’ve left that issue in the brasco) and man sticks 110 clothes pegs on his face (#624).…

WORLD-BEATING YARNS!

Firsts in THE PICTURE

• First time we ran the issue number on the cover: #36 • First time we said “fuck” and “cunt”: #55 (hard habit to break, that) • First pants-off pin-up: #64 • First Home Girls: #115 (see page 74 for more!) • First Ca$hman: #137 • First Home Blokes: #146 • First (and only) appearance of Prince Andrew’s cock: #155 • First pregnant pin-up: #176 • First appearance of Furry Affairs Editor Derryn Hamster: #187 • First time we warned y… sorry, TOLD you about our sister mag, Picture Premium: #527 • First time we made a spelling mistake: #1…

FAMOUS PEOPLE LOVE US!

There have been many celebrities in our pages over the years – some of them even appearing WITH THEIR PERMISSION. Aussie cricket legend Jeff Thomson became our gardening columnist in March 1995, and youse liked him so much you put him LAST in a readers’ poll later that year. Rugby league greats Alfie Langer and Wendell “Hello” Sailor appeared with some huge-norked Seppo strippers in #407. Russell Crowe gave us a HEARTFELT LETTER OF CONGRATULATIONS for #500, Anthony Mundine shared his non-rooting training regime with us in #507, and #714 featured Katrina, our nude Big Brother star. We even helped a few stars on their way to… er, stardom, like model/actress/TV presenter Bree Maddox, who starred in #506. Then there’s TV presenter Renee Brack who, as Renee BLATT, did a…

FAMOUS PEOPLE LOVE US!

Linsey Dawn McKenzie

The Pommy hornbag with tits the size of weather balloons got discovered in #317. The countdown to the unveiling of her giant norks had the ENTIRE NATION A we fucked it up by LYING and saying she was from Adelaide. However, by the time she got her flange out in #333, nobody cared where she was fucken from. Later on, Linsey Dawn rolled around in the Oz flag birthday cake we sent her for her 18th, and even came on board as our official letter-answerer for a while. However, we then ran a yarn about Lins and her sister working as HIGH-CLASS PROSTITUTES in London, and we haven’t heard from her since. Coincidence? Must be, if you ask us. PICTURE FACT! THE PICTURE has featured exactly 42,987 groanholes, 36,236 arse…

Linsey Dawn McKenzie

OUR TOPPEST COMPS

When #100 rolled around, we were in a celebratory mood. That MIGHT explain why we ran a contest JUST FOR JUNKIES with a great first prize: a free HEROIN CURE at a monastery in Thailand! No-one could say we weren’t GIVING SOMETHING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. Then, in #171, we asked all the sheila readers to POST US THEIR PUBES – remember pubes, readers? – to win $50. A stunning pictorial of the flotilla of flange fur featured in #182. And yes, we shaped it like a map of Tassie. But #360 featured the BEAUTEST COMP OF ALL: we gave one lucky reader a date with tits-out Pommy supermodel Jo Guest! It was an unforgettable night for the winner, mainly ’cos no matter how drunk he got, we could jog…

OUR TOPPEST COMPS

THE NUDE REPORTERS

We changed journalism forever in #180 when we hired Yarna Wench, the world’s first TITS-OUT REPORTERER. Her fearless – and BRAINLESS – reportage, accompanied by her irrepressibly perky tits, became the standard by which all other crap, tits-out reportering would be forever judged. After years of covering stories on nude skydiving, nude skiing and nude EVERYTHING FUCKEN ELSE, she hung up her norks. The search for her replacement ended when Kylie the ’Prentice wandered in off the bus from Yorkey’s Knob and started filing yarns on how to be a lesbian (#376), nude bungee-jumping (#385) and how to shave a smoo (#392). Alas, she soon moved on and Spunky Nude Sheila Man stepped up in #533. We loved her as much as her contract allowed. Then she got pregnant and…

THE NUDE REPORTERS

OUR HUGE STUFF-UPS!

PICTURE hasn’t always been a journal of record to rival The New York Times. There have been rare occasions when we’ve got it wrong. Screwed the pooch. FUCKED IT RIGHT UP. For example, in #4 we dropped the covergirl and ran a photo of a PLANE CRASH instead. We think someone bought a copy. And we waited a WHOLE WEEK before our next cluster fuck: running a pin-up with her ARM IN PLASTER. But that paled in comparison to what happened when we inadvertently offended some members of two motorcycle clubs in #108 with a light-hearted but THOROUGHLY INCORRECT story on a Townsville biker beano. They visited then-editor Tony Murphy in his Sydney office to point out the error of THE PICTURE’s ways. He saw their point immediately and his…

OUR HUGE STUFF-UPS!

THE PICTURE became a global force in nudity when we imported Pommy megaspunk Jo Guest to Australia to do a series of photo shoots in 1995... and to pose for photos with staff members so we could show off to our mates and PRETEND WE’D ROOTED HER. As we’ve mentioned just a few pages ago, one lucky reader won a date with the gorgeous Jo, who also did a two-girl shoot with PICTURE favourite Yarna Wench, answered readers’ letters and went drinking with staff members once or twice. She liked her visit Down Under so much SHE NEVER CAME BACK. And as we UNCOVERED in #949, we were stoked to bring you the news that Jo has made $25 million out of getting her baps and smoo out. We like…

BACK TO THE FUTURE!

2015 THE PICTURE goes from weekly to fortnightly, making it an agonising 14 SLEEPS between issues! 2016 Aussie rootress Angela White begins her inexorable rise to world domination, winning the first of her many awards in the US for her excellent pornography. 2017 Our good mate porn legend Jesse Jane retires. Nude office cricket at THE PICTURE would never be the same. PICTURE favourites such as Charlotte Star (2016), Isabelle Deltore (2018) and Savannah Bond (2019) make the leap from our pages to porn stardom in the US. Hooray! Last Aussie-made Holdens roll off the assembly line in Elizabeth, SA. Big sad, much cry. 2018 Mungo granted a full pardon from the Queen for all his past crimes and misdemeanours. He celebrates by nicking a Porsche for a joyride. 2019…

BACK TO THE FUTURE!

OVER the years, THE PICTURE has been fortunate enough to travel to the GROUSEST, most EXOTIC parts of our beaut country; from Tamworth to Avalon to Deniliquin and every pub in between, we’ve been there cheering on burnouts, dousing tits in water and, when no one was looking, HURLING UP in the car-park. Cheers to everyone who ever turned up to an event that THE PICTURE were a part of. Whether you were PISSING OFF GREENIES by doing burnouts in a supercharged V8, flashing your funbags to an adoring crowd of HORNY HOONS, or just simply kicking back with a tinnie and enjoying the spectacle – cheers, we fucken loved every second of it.…

THE LAST TOCKLEY AWARDS

BROWNLOWS? Useless. Oscars? Get outta here. Logies? Why would you even fucken bother. No, the only gongs that mean anything these days are the Tockleys, THE PICTURE’s own awards for excellence in a wide variety of fields. So dream big, be all you can be, and maybe one day you too will be able to GRAB A TOCKLEY! STRIPPER OF THE YEAR TOCKLEY Harley Van Dangerfield Miss Nude Australia contestant Harley Van Dangerfield set the joint on fire and caused $3000 worth of damage at the Crazy Horse in Adelaide during her routine in the finals. SCRAP OF THE YEAR TOCKLEY Mundine vs Horn Anthony Mundine v Jeff Horn – One minute, 36 seconds of fistic fun for all the family. Except for The Man, who ended up…

THE LAST TOCKLEY AWARDS

PAT SHEIL (AKA TUBS GROGAN) EDITOR 1989 MY ABIDING memory of being Tubs Grogan, Editor-At-Large of THE PICTURE, was entering the lift on the anarchic 7th floor of 54 Park Street some time in about 1992, with a stripper, wearing a pair of denim shorts that I could easily have folded and put into my wallet, and a see-through top that covered at most 5 percent of her generously proportioned chest area, while I was dressed as Tubs (Press hat, jacket stinking of stale beer, yellow tie covered in sauce and mustard stains, etc), carrying a giant plastic squid tentacle over my shoulder and full-sized stuffed goat under my arm, and pressing “Ground” in the hope of meeting our snappa, the late, lamented genius of the medium, Dave Morgan, in…

Smoo OF A KIND!

THE FINAL issue of THE PICTURE wouldn’t be complete without a pair of blonde MUFF-DIVING STUNNAS who between them have caused more stiffies than rigor mortis. So as a farewell pressie we give you Staci Carr, 27, and Niki Lee Young, 34, a pair of professional MATTRESS ACTRESSES hailing from the USA and well-known for their lezzo antics. “I’ve always loved females,” gushed Staci. “Even my Barbies were gay when I was young!” “I’M A VERY SEXUAL PERSON”-Staci “Girl-girl encounters have been my best sex so far!” exclaimed Niki. “It’s something about the way a girl knows how to eat my pussy.” What else gets your FROTHING at the gash? Staci: “I find everything sexy; I’m a very sexual person. With a female, I like a very feminine woman and…

Smoo OF A KIND!

A The smallest bra cup size available! Abdominal snowman: What your missus gets if you come on her stomach during sex. AC/DC: 1. Legendary Aussie rock band. 2. A bisexual. Acorn attack: A severe and sudden shrinking of the penis in cold weather or cold water. ADW: All-day wank, as in, “On Saturday I bought $200 worth of pornos and had an ADW.” Aeroplane skirt: A skirt so short you can see the cockpit when she bends over. Also known as a thick belt. Afterburner: What you get when you light a fart. AGB: After-grog bog; a shit you could pass through the eye of a needle. Alcoholic: A writer for PICTURE magazine. Anchovy bay commando: A lesbian, preferably one who wears army boots. Angel wipe: The last wipe, when…

OUT WITH A BANG! MY HUBBY Greg joined the army last year after the dumb arse got the sack from his job at Bunnings. After months of moaning and groaning about training, he was finally scheduled for deployment in Afghanistan, so I decided to give him a little treat before he left. We got hitched four years ago and Greg’s always said how he’d love a threesome, so what better time to do it than before being sent away to potentially be blown up by terrorist bastards? A quick call to an escorting service and Kelly, a brunette with F-cup natural tits, was due at our place at 8pm that night. At quarter to eight, I decided to get Greg warmed up. He was on the couch watching The Amazing…

DAVE // 27 ABERMAIN, NSW A construction electrician, Dave, 27, spends his life travelling around the bush working on big sites. Fave boonting possie, mate? “Missionary. I prefer looking them in the face to looking at the back of their head.” How romantic of you. PAUL // 19 CASTLE HILL, NSW “I’m big on romance. I love to make a woman feel appreciated. I think they thoroughly deserve it,” oozed Paul down the line. What type of chick rubs your cock? “Athletic, funny, big boobs and a bubblegum bum with dimples.” ANDREW // 34 CANUNGRA, QLD “Hi. I’m Andy and I’m a 34-year-old labourer by trade but my main hobby is bonking - anywhere, any time.” Where’s the most daring place you’ve dipped your…

THE LAST HOME GIRLS

Since starting in 1990, Home Girls has featured the cream of Aussie next-door womanhood – your girlfriend, your mate’s sister, that cute cousin you only ever see at Chrissie, and, after nearly 30 years, quite possibly your MUM. How many thousands of average Australian babes appeared? Who knows, but chances are next time you go to the pub, a fair few of the cuties slurping Midori and eyeing you up are former PICTURE Homies. It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it? LAURA ALEXANDRA HEADS, QLD CAT MELBOURNE, VIC ANGELA WHITE Angela White’s journey to be the #1 PORN STAR on the PLANET started in Home Girls way back in 2003. And we could tell she was destined for greatness: “I’ll tell you what gets me going – posing nude,” she told…

THE LAST HOME GIRLS

GO FACT YOURSELF! FAMOUS LAST WORDS

“Applaud, my friends. The comedy is finished.” Ludwig van Beethoven, composer “THANKS GOD. I’M TIRED OF BEING THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN THE ROOM.” Del Close, poet “SUCH IS LIFE.” Ned Kelly, bushranger “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.” Humphrey Bogart, actor “SHOOT STRAIGHT, YOU BASTARDS! DON’T MAKE A MESS OF IT!” Harry Morant, horseman and soldier “ONE DRINK, PLEASE!” Jack Daniels, comedian “I’VE HAD 18 STRAIGHT WHISKEYS… I THINK THAT’S THE RECORD.” Dylan Thomas, poet “THEY’LL NEVER CLOSE US DOWN!” Mungo, optimist…

GO FACT YOURSELF! FAMOUS LAST WORDS

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