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28 Articles

HISTORY IS PEPPERED WITH STORIES OF MEN WHO THOUGHT THEY UNDERSTOOD THINGS WHEN, IN FACT, THEY DID NOT.

Christopher Columbus, to pick one example, understood he could reach the East Indies by sailing his boat west of Spain across the Atlantic. He continued to understand this well after he set foot in the Bahamas, and was no more dissuaded of the belief when he stopped, finally, at the shores of Central and South America. When he eventually died, he did so believing he’d merely found a more convenient route to East Asia – the idea that he had stumbled on a continent not on any European map never occurred to him. Later, when a few quizzical sailors realised Columbus’s East Asia really wasn’t East Asia at all, the West was forced to confront the possibility that there remained things – entire continents, even – about which humans did not…

THE LIQUIDATORS Shortly after 1am on April 26, 1986, reactor four at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant exploded. For 10 days, radioactive smoke billowed from the cracked reactor shell, blanketing hundreds of square kilometres in fallout radiation and leading to the evacuation of 116,000 people from the towns of Pripyat and Chernobyl. But as the exclusion zone grew, so too did the team of emergency workers and power plant employees tasked with salvaging the disaster. Known as the Liquidators of Chernobyl, these 600,000 loyal Soviet citizens were sent into almost incomprehensible danger, often with little training or protection, to try to stem the damage from what remains the worst nuclear disaster in history. For these men and women, such sacrifice was merely the full expression of their duty to the Soviet Motherland.…

how to clone a forest

DAVID MILARCH HAS MASTERED THE TRICK OF TALKING WITH A CIGARETTE HANGING FROM THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH – A USEFUL SKILL WHEN YOU NEVER STOP TALKING AND NEVER STOP SMOKING. As the light of the low Michigan winter sun pours through his office blinds, he leans back in his chair, arms folded behind his head, explaining how he’s the only man he knows who ever got kicked out of heaven. On the wall behind him, next to a printout of Stonehenge and the pencil-scratched heights of his grandchildren, is a poster – an unattributed proverb that’s as succinct a mission statement as you might find for Milarch and the Archangel Ancient Tree Archive he founded: A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they shall never sit in. A…

how to clone a forest

the rogues’ gallery

THE CURATORS’ SMILES WEREN’T THE ONLY THINGS THAT WERE FAKE ON THE DAY OF THE MUSEUM’S GRAND REOPENING. The staff of Musée Terrus, a museum in the small French town of Elne, were supposed to be celebrating the completion of extensive renovations. Instead, they found themselves fronting the press to explain some slight adjustments to its collection. Namely, the fact they had just donated a substantial proportion of the museum’s paintings by Étienne Terrus, the 19th -century French artist for whom the museum was named, to the police – and not for philanthropic reasons. A visiting curator who had popped by during the renovations noticed something awry with the collection almost instantly. For starters, the style of many of the paintings was a bit off, and the canvases weren’t quite right. And…

the rogues’ gallery

ELISHA OTIS’S DEMONSTRATION WAS GOING SPLENDIDLY WHEN A MAN WITH AN AXE BEGAN SWINGING. An inventor with a penchant for spectacles, Otis had booked a spot at the 1854 World’s Fair in New York City, where he planned to sell the starry-eyed masses on something both radical and mundane: vertical transport. Or rather, safe vertical transport. Humans had been hoisting things into the sky for aeons by the time Otis came around, but no one had worked out how to stop those things crashing down violently when the ropes inevitably snapped and gravity was reintroduced into the equation. For this reason, civilization had largely opted to stay on terra firma. The future seemed decidedly flat. The first elevator, invented by the Greek mathematician Archimedes, employed a system of pulleys and axles to…

the place holders

IN 2013, ALEXANDER GRAND FLEW TO BELARUS WITH A RATHER ODD MISSION. HE WANTED TO BOTTLE THE SCENT OF MINSK. “If you ask most people to describe the aroma of Minsk, they’ll say it smells like cut grass, or maybe sour cranberries in sugar,” he says. “But that’s not how we approached it. Minsk is a rational city, very cool, very clinical: a city of engineers and IT professionals. We wanted the scent to be light and orderly and meticulous. It should smell like the colour of a wide blue sky.” After a little groundwork, the 38-year-old Englishman tracked down an ancient family of Belarusian perfumers and set them to work blending 47 local ingredients to make Eau de Minsk. “Government ministers were coming by for a sniff,” Alexander remembers. “We…

the place holders

COINS HAVE ALWAYS MEANT MORE THAN THEIR FACE VALUE; THEIR DESIGNS REVEAL THE IDEALS OF THE SOCIETIES THAT MINTED THEM. One American folk craft elevates money even more explicitly, transforming legal tender into art by modifying the bas-relief engravings on coins. Because itinerant workers tended to have plenty of boxcar-ridin’ time on their hands to carve coins – plus the key materials already in their pockets – these miniature sculptures became known as ‘hobo nickels’. The U.S. five-cent coin proved the perfect canvas: it’s soft enough for easy carving, wide enough for details, thick enough to be sturdy… and cheap enough to treat as an art material. The earliest hobo nickels date back to the 1850s, but the golden age really kicked off in 1913, with the introduction of the ‘Buffalo nickel’.…

the cutting edge

WHOOSH. THE SOUND OF TWO BLADES AS THEY SLICE THROUGH A SQUARE OF BLANK PAPER CAN BE SURPRISINGLY POWERFUL, ENDING IN AN ASSERTIVE, CONFIDENT SNIP. AT LEAST, THAT'S TRUE OF THESE HANDMADE SCISSORS. NOT THAT YOU'D EXPECT THEM TO BE TENTATIVE IN THEIR OPERATION: A NEW PAIR CAN COST THE BUYER UP TO $46,000. The man behind these tools is Yasuhiro Hirakawa, 68, who is carrying on a family tradition in Sakai, a city just south of Osaka in Japan. As a fifth-generation scissor manufacturer, Hirakawa artfully deploys the techniques passed down to him. He has been labelled one of the last of his kind in Japan, and although he’s been working in the field for his entire adult life, he says he's still on a journey to perfect his craft.…

the cutting edge

IN DEFENCE OF LAZINESS

I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO SUBMIT THIS PIECE THREE TIMES. For six weeks it hung around my neck like a disappointed albatross, a scowl pulled tightly across its metaphoric beak. (Side note: find a photo of a happy albatross. You can’t. No wonder we associate these animals with burdens when they look like they’re silently judging everything. Albatross, mate – if you want things to change, start by changing yourself.) I originally pitched this article as a critique of the Protestant work ethic and the existential quandary its focus on productivity has plunged us all into. So I figured the editor was on notice that I wasn’t going to deliver this piece on time: not only was I asserting that humans need something other than work to derive meaning from – I…

the taxonomy of cornflakes

How’d you end up with all these cornflakes? I’ve always been interested in butterflies because they’re so fragile and their lifecycle is so strange. I didn’t want to start buying them because they are endangered, but a collection of butterflies is just the most beautiful thing I could think of. So I started making cornflake butterflies, pinning them out in little boxes. Then the cornflakes evolved into a collection in their own right, rather than me trying to turn them into something they weren’t. What’s the idea behind this project? It’s a tongue-in-cheek reflection on taxonomy and the process of displaying and collecting. I’m interested in museums and collections and all the things that go around museology. You’ve got lepidopterology and entomology and all these other -ologies. I shall have a…

the taxonomy of cornflakes

never home alone

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I GREW UP OUTSIDE. MY SISTER AND I BUILT FORTS. WE DUG HOLES. WE MADE TRAILS AND SWUNG ON VINES. THE INDOORS WAS A PLACE RESERVED FOR SLEEPING, OR FOR PLAYING WHEN IT GOT SO COLD OUTSIDE THAT OUR FINGERS SEEMED AS THOUGH THEY MIGHT FALL OFF (WE LIVED IN RURAL MICHIGAN, WHERE THAT COULD HAPPEN WELL INTO THE SPRING). BUT THE OUTDOORS – THAT’S WHERE WE LIVED. In the time since our childhood, the world has fundamentally changed. Kids today grow up primarily indoors, their lives punctuated by short bouts of movement from one building to another. This is not hyperbole. The average American child now spends 93 per cent of his or her time in a building or a vehicle. The data are similar…

never home alone

SIX ANIMALS YOU’RE PROBABLY SHARING YOUR HOME WITH

SOURDOUGH MICROBES When you make sourdough starter, you mix flour and water and you wait for both bacteria and fungi to colonise it. The fungi produce carbon dioxide and the bacteria produce acid, and that’s enough to make your bread rise and be a little bit sour. My research team started looking at sourdough starters from around the world and we found that the homes and bodies of the people who make the sourdough starter influence which microbes are in there. If you have your grandma’s starter, you might have some of grandma’s microbes in your bread, too. The other thing we found is that the microbes in bread differ from region to region. There’s a fungus we saw in sourdough starters in Australia that we only saw in Australia. So even…

SIX ANIMALS YOU’RE PROBABLY SHARING YOUR HOME WITH

a dominant style

ON HODDLE STREET IN MELBOURNE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A DOGGY DAYCARE (“WHERE IT’S COOL TO DROOL”) AND AN OFFICE FURNITURE WAREHOUSE, THERE’S A BLACK BUILDING WITH MIRRORED FRONT DOORS. TWO MUSCULAR MALE BUSTS, CROSS-ARMED, PAINTED BLACK, JUT OUT FROM THE BRICK WALL ON EITHER SIDE. ABOVE THEM HANG LEATHER PRIDE FLAGS – BLACK, BLUE AND WHITE WITH A RED HEART IN THE TOP LEFT. This is Eagle Leather, a fetish store that has serviced Melbourne’s BDSM community since 1994. In a small workshop out back, behind the medical-grade silicone butt plugs, fucking machines, floggers, sex toys and racks upon racks of black leather harnesses, jocks and jeans, Hanna Tusler is busy designing clothes. Or leather fetish wear, to be precise. People have appreciated leather’s functional qualities since the Paleolithic, but it wasn’t until…

a dominant style

larger than life

PICTURE, IF YOU WILL, AN INFINITE TWO-DIMENSIONAL GRID, MADE UP OF AN INFINITE NUMBER OF SQUARES. Each of these squares can be in one of two states: alive or dead. An alive square is shaded; a dead one is blank. In the beginning, every square is blank, but you, the creator, can add life. You fill in as many squares as you want, in whatever configuration you want, and then click start. What happens next looks like a biological experiment in fast forward. Life blooms and expands in swirling arabesque patterns, before slowing and dwindling into a still, empty expanse, marked only by a few lingering fossils. All in all, it may have taken around 20 seconds. Congratulations: you just played the Game of Life. And yes, inasmuch as this is…

larger than life

A rising tide lifts all boats; in London, rising rents lift even more. A housing crisis is driving an increasing number of people to drop anchor in the city’s 160-kilometre network of canals. Where a one-bedroom flat with canal views can set you back a small fortune, a mooring spot on a canal can cost as little as £6,000 a year. Meanwhile, ‘continuous cruisers’, who move their boats every fortnight and never return to the same place twice, don’t pay a penny. To find out what life on the water has to offer, photographer Carl Bigmore spent time with some of the city’s most dedicated boaters. He learned how maintenance alone can amount to a part-time job, while creature comforts such as electricity, hot water and plumbing are harder to come…

A HUSH DESCENDED ON A PACKED AUDITORIUM IN VERSAILLES, FRANCE. THE 26TH GENERAL CONFERENCE ON WEIGHTS AND MEASURES (CGPM) WAS MAKING A MOMENTOUS DECISION: HOW TO DEFINE A KILOGRAM. The metric system – officially known as the International System of Units (SI) – has been slowly finessed since its beginnings in the French Revolution. But on this day, Friday 16 November, 2018, the assembled delegates were voting on a resolution to redefine all seven base units of measurement for the first time using physical constants – fundamental, unchanging properties of the cosmos that can be pinpointed with great accuracy. Like an extremely nerdy answer to the Eurovision Song Contest, the 54 delegates voiced their assent in turn, in either French or English. Australia was fifth. Dr Bruce Warrington, the nation’s Chief Metrologist…

HOLLYWOOD HAS MADE A LOT OF MONEY BY TAKING ORDINARY THINGS AND MAKING THEM LOOK EXTRAORDINARY – OFTEN VIA THE LIBERAL APPLICATION OF EXPLOSIONS. That’s all well and good, but arguably more interesting is the science of making extraordinary things look prosaic, boring and invisible. Take books, for instance. Or newspapers. Old FBI badges. Wild West wanted posters. Period-correct 19th -century cigarette packets. A Pan Am ticket stub from 1967. For every battered leather-bound journal you see in film, for every payslip, treasure map or faded Tennessee driver’s licence, there’s a props person backstage, fiddling in Photoshop or slaving away over an ink-smudged printing press. For the last 20-odd years, that props person has often been a Canadian-American named Ross MacDonald. He makes paper things for movies. “Props have changed a lot since I…

the eel question

LIKE THE PRESOCRATICS BEFORE HIM, ARISTOTLE BELIEVED SPONTANEOUS GENERATION (LIVING ORGANISMS ARISING FROM NON-LIVING MATTER WITHOUT CAUSE) TO BE BOTH COMMONPLACE AND A MATTER OF SCIENTIFIC FACT. It should not seem so remarkable, then, that he posited that eels, bearing neither milt nor spawn, materialise in “the guts of the earth”, deriving “from nothing”. Four hundred years later, Roman scholar Pliny the Elder, similarly misdirected by the creatures’ apparent anatomical limitations, insisted that “eels rub against rocks and the scrapings come to life; this is their only way of breeding.” As recently as the 17th century, fishing enthusiast Izaak Walton proposed that eels were bred from “dew falling in the month of May… which in a few dayes is, by the Sun’s heat, turned into Eeles”. Flemish physiologist Jan Baptist van Helmont…

the eel question

great woman of history

BORN: June 3, 1906, St. Louis, Missouri, U.S.A. DIED: April 12, 1975, Paris, France WERE ONE TO LOOK AT THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF JOSEPHINE BAKER TAKEN DURING HER SURREALLY EVENTFUL LIFE, ONE MIGHT ASSUME THAT ONE WAS CONTEMPLATING THE COLLECTED HEADSHOTS OF SOME HACK ACTOR WHOSE AGENT WAS UNDER STANDING INSTRUCTION TO SAY “YES” TO EVERY OFFER, HOWEVER PREPOSTEROUS OR UNBELIEVABLE. A showgirl clad in a bikini fashioned substantially from bejewelled bananas. A wealthy chateau owner walking a pet cheetah in a diamond collar. A four-times-married philanthropic matriarch who adopted a dozen orphans from all over the world. A bisexual libertine. A civil rights activist. A nightclub crooner. A war hero. A spy. Josephine Baker was actually all of those things, and more besides – and she was actually all of those things, and more…

great woman of history

HONG KONG CLEARLY MADE A BIG FIRST IMPRESSION ON PETER STEINHAUER. AFTER A HAIR-RAISING DESCENT INTO THE OLD KAI TAK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – HIS PLANE BUZZING HIGH-RISES SO CLOSELY HE COULD SEE THE TELEVISION SETS THROUGH THEIR WINDOWS – THE AMERICAN PHOTOGRAPHER MADE HIS WAY OUTSIDE THE TERMINAL AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY DISCOVERED WHAT WOULD BECOME HIS LIFE’S WORK. “This was in 1994,” Steinhauer remembers. “I was standing in the taxi queue, and across the street, there was this big building wrapped in yellow material. I’d never seen anything like it.” At first he assumed he was looking at a piece of building-sized art, perhaps by the environmental artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude. “But by the time I got to my hotel, I had seen three or four of these buildings wrapped in…

the beautiful game

MY FIRST MEMORIES OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS WEREN’T REALLY MY OWN MEMORIES AT ALL. I was four and a bit, and my mum and auntie had taken me to see my first-ever movie in the cinema: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, on its 1986 Australian re-release, in a little picture house in regional South Australia. I recall a hazy kitchen, leadlight lampshades, and a group of boys yelling at each other: “You’ll have to ask Steve, he’s a game master – he has absolute power.” That’s kind of the extent of my hazy D&D memories, because shortly after E.T. himself appeared on screen and screamed at Elliott, I was myself carried screaming from the cinema. That night and countless nights following it, E.T. visited me in my dreams. These nightmares continued until well into…

the beautiful game

OUR SECRET SLAVERY CRISIS

SINET CHAN WAS BORN IN BATTAMBANG PROVINCE, CAMBODIA, IN 1990. Her parents lost their respective battles with HIV when she was young. After their deaths, Chan and her siblings were sent to an orphanage. She was 10 years old and, having spent her life in poverty up to that point, was hopeful the orphanage would provide a fresh start. She had no idea how bad things were about to get. At the orphanage, when Chan and the other children weren’t tending to the orphanage director’s farm, they were forced to dance, sing, and play games with the tourists who’d come to visit. The mandatory theatrics encouraged donations, which went straight to the director. Meanwhile, there was never enough food to eat, and the children often had to hunt mice, catch fish and pick…

the chief of disguise

DURING THE SPRING OF 1989, GEORGE H.W. BUSH TOOK PART IN WHAT WAS SURELY ONE OF THE STRANGEST MEETINGS OF HIS PRESIDENCY. At first, it seemed like any other midweek briefing: a group of White House staffers and intelligence experts shuffled into the Oval Office and sat down to plough through a series of wide-reaching issues. Midway through, however, a dark-haired woman the president had never met got up. She said she had brought along a new type of disguise that the CIA had spent 10 years developing. In fact, she said, she was wearing it. After a brief pause, in which the president got up from his chair and stared at her, the woman peeled off an ultra-realistic mask. Underneath, her features were older. Her hair was cropped. It was Jonna…

the chief of disguise

things i believe

KEEP MOVING Even if nobody pays attention to what I’m doing or if they don’t think it’s any good, I feel better if I’m expressing myself in some way. It’s important to just keep going, however you can. I think this is part of the human experience. I’m not someone for whom anything comes easily, and nothing ever feels right. But I just fill up an hour with jokes, then I do it a billion times and maybe themes or a direction emerge out of that. It’s a great feeling to plan to do something, then do it – especially if it’s a bit scary or uncomfortable. The most recent hour of standup I’ve been working on is exciting for me, and I hope it’s exciting for other people, too. If…

things i believe

a brief history of the dim sim

PETER RUSSO, ‘FAR EASTERN EDITOR’ AT THE ARGUS, TOOK TO HIS TYPEWRITER TO REASSURE A SHAKEN NATION. It was the early 1950s and the Cold War was raging. But Russo wasn’t writing about the French defeat at Dien Bien Phu or the Korean People’s Army massing at the 38th parallel. He was writing about stolen dim sims. Two days earlier, the proprietor of a Chinese cafe in Melbourne rang the police to report a theft of the thick meat- and cabbage-stuffed dumplings. By the time the police arrived, the trace was cold – and probably the dim sims, too. Russo allayed Australia’s worst fears. “Investigations have uncovered no sinister purpose behind the disappearance from a local Chinese cafe of 100 dozen dim sims,” he wrote. “For a time it was suspected one…

a brief history of the dim sim

What’s the deal with these souped-up scooters? Some call them Vespa Sampah (Garbage Vespa), but their owners prefer the term Vespa Ekstrim (Vespa Extreme). It’s a relatively recent phenomenon, though Indonesia has been in love with the Vespa since the 1960s, when the government gifted scooters to peacekeeping troops returning from duty in Congo. Later, when Japanese bikes became more popular, the classic Vespa turned into something with nostalgic associations, and a community of Vespa lovers started to spread throughout the archipelago. Why did people start modifying their scooters like this? It’s been said the emergence of Vespa Ekstrim in the early 2000s coincided with the social changes that followed the fall of the authoritarian Suharto regime. Indonesians suddenly enjoyed greater freedom of self-expression and were no longer as afraid of…

murder on the dance floor

WE ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE IDEA OF THE DANCE CRAZE: A MANIA, USUALLY DRIVEN BY SOME FLEETINGLY POPULAR HIT SONG, WHICH RARELY RESULTS IN ANYTHING MORE SERIOUS THAN ARRHYTHMIC CONVULSION AT CHRISTMAS PARTIES. In early 16th -century Strasbourg, however, some while before the development of such harmless pursuits as the Macarena and the Time Warp, the phrase ‘dance craze’ represented something more literal, and more sinister. For several weeks in the summer of 1518, hundreds of Strasbourgians danced frantically, almost unceasingly and, apparently, involuntarily. Dozens collapsed with exhaustion. Some died. The progenitor of this curious event was a local woman by the name of Troffea. On July 14, 1518, she began to dance on the cobbled street outside her home and continued until she collapsed, despite the lack of any accompaniment beyond…

murder on the dance floor

how to write badly

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING THREE OPENING SENTENCES: “The sun rose slowly, like a fiery fur ball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat.” “Following my career as chief medical officer of the spaceship, Horus 7, I returned to Earth – what follows chronicles the first seven years of the orthodontics practice I opened in Michigan.” “She was like my ex-girlfriend, Ashley, who’d stolen my car, broken my heart, murdered my father, robbed a bank, and set off a pipe bomb in Central Park – tall.” You may have noticed a common thread: these sentences are bad. Objectively, irredeemably not good. The kind of heavy-handed, nonsequiturial piffle that turns creative writing lecturers into hard-drinking depressives. But here’s the strange thing: they’re also examples of award-winning prose, each having won the annual…

how to write badly

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