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32 Articles

Child’s Play My three-year-old daughter picked up my copy of this month’s Maxim with a bikini-clad Heather Graham on the cover. “This magazine is about swimming!” she shouted. Ahh, kids. —Kevin Center, via e-mail We’re no parenting experts, but we’re pretty sure that Maxim isn’t appropriate reading material for a three-year-old. Highlights or Big Butts Weekly are probably better bets. Doing Lines Sure, sure—every Maxim reader will chime in about how you missed their favorite movie quote in your list of 100 “Killer One-Liners” [June], but this should have been included, from Brian Bosworth in Stone Cold (1991): After the Boz collects an ear from the victim and reports back to his boss, he says, “Let’s just say I saved the guy a fortune in Q-tips.” Bam! —Dan Miller, via e-mail It’s not just a great line;…

Underground driller SHANE DOOLEY sent us this picture and note: “Although we are deprived of sunlight, we always bring a little ray of sunshine down under with us. Thank you, Maxim, and God bless Jennifer Love Hewitt!” Our chief content officer gave him a call. DAN: What are you drilling for down there? SHANE: Gold. Have you ever been tempted to sneak a nugget in your pocket? I have been, but, you know, where I work it’s basically microscopic gold—you can’t see it. I must commend your restraint on not making any drilling jokes in your letter. Yeah, well, drilling can be very, very sexual, because you’re jamming a rod down a hole; you run a swabber down the backside; you have to grease the rod sometimes to get it in. Wow, I’m gonna hang up and…

This Is Your Maxim on Wi-Fi Clogging up the Internet’s tubes with sexy, stupid goodness Every Monday, get our beer-soaked, wing-clogged take on the week’s games. Hut! Hic! Feeling thirsty? Buzz of the Day gives you boozy ideas you may or may not regret the morning after. Prepare for skid marks with each new episode of Maxim Motors. Twitter Check out smokin’ new photos of the #HometownHotties semifinalists at @MaximMag, and vote for your fave! Instagram Follow @MaximMag to see the latest shenanigans inside our office. Like when IndyCar heroes Dario Franchitti (left) and Helio Castroneves duked it out. Facebook We’ll be predicting the MLB playoffs—and jinxing teams in the process. Weigh in on why we’re smart (or stupid) at Facebook.com/MaximMagazine. Xbox Download the Maxim app to watch our new series And Now, featuring models doing sexy 10-second stunts. Think you can make…

A September to Remember

Hey there, reader person. Sure, this is technically the September issue, but happily, there will still be a few weeks of summer left when it comes out. Which means we here at Maxim will continue with casual Fridays (no pants, no problem!) and toasting each correctly spelled word with a nutritious piña colada. Brain freeze never felt so good. Keen-eyed observers will note that we’ve dubbed this The Tough Issue, but trust us, there was nothing tough about making it (except all those tiny-piña-colada-umbrellas-to-the-eyeball injuries). How can you complain about hanging out with awesome folks like cover model Ronda Rousey, smart-ass superstar Don Rickles, and big-bucks boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.? We bet you can’t, and we bet that’s a bet Floyd would gladly take. We hope you enjoy the issue and what’s…

Hometown: Sydney, Australia Job: Actress Astrological sign: Cancer Pet: Mocha, my chocolate Lab Three things I can’t live without: 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Love I can whoop any guy’s ass in you name it! My hidden talent is I can stick my tongue up my nose. My go-to drink is a Wet Pussy shot. My spirit animal is a mole. The worst word in the universe is “can’ t” My favorite line from a movie is “Nobody puts baby in a corner,” from Dirty Dancing. The most embarrassing song on my iPad is “Kiss the Girl,” from The Little Mermaid. I would rather date a rabid chimpanzee than a man who looks like a rabid chimpanzee. My favorite way to get in trouble is by creating it.…

Get Better at Everything Without Doing Anything!

GET STRONGER! You could spend hours at the gym humiliating yourself doing Zumba. Or you could just flip through a comic book. A new University at Buffalo study found that superhero-loving men who looked at Batman pics not only felt better about their bodies but were also stronger immediately afterward. Just in time to punch the jerk making fun of you for carrying around Batman photos. WORK HARDER! Baby cows and lambs aren’t just great in stews—they’ll also make you a better worker. A study from the Hiroshima University in Japan says that looking at pictures of baby animals improves productivity. So tell your boss that when he catches you watching “Puppy and Duckling Are BFFs” on YouTube. Again. EAT LIKE A KING! If your cooking sucks, a study from the Nestlé Research Center in…

Porn Blooper of the Month

What Inglorious Bitches lacks in historical accuracy it makes up for in exploding naked Nazis. Set during WWII in Europe, Inglorious Bitches features a team of rebel soldiers (née prostitutes) training to take down, and go down on, the enemy. (Sample training chant: “We’re the Inglorious Bitches, and we love to fuck!”) But while they were banging Nazis, then blowing ’em up, we spied a barbell tongue piercing on a recruit. Tongue rings didn’t get popular in Western civilization until the 1980s, so unless she’s a time traveler or an Aztec warrior, this movie is completely unrealistic. $40, wickedpictures.com…

Charlie vs. Mel

In Machete Kills, two of Hollywood’s biggest nutjobs, CHARLIE SHEEN and MEL GIBSON, finally share the screen. But whose real-life performance gets the award for bat-shittiest? CHARLIE SHEENVS.MEL GIBSON“Bitchin’ rock star from Mars”SELF-DESCRIPTION“One tough motherfucker”Sex with hookers and porn stars. Lots of ’em.SEXUAL PROCLIVITIESDemands blow jobs after threatening to burn down the house.“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen…If you try it, you will die.” Also: cocaine, crack, and alcohol.PAST DRUG USEAlcohol and, according to one woman who says she used to bang him, human growth hormone.In 2006, Sheen stated that 9/11 was a conspiracy—and that the collapse of the towers looked like a “controlled demolition.”CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORIESAccording to screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Gibson allegedly remarked that the Holocaust was “mostly a lot of horseshit.”During an interview, Sheen referred to…

Read This Book Nothin’ to Lose: The Making of Kiss (1972–1975) The early days of rock’s face-painted menaces are documented in this chronicle, which we hope will solve one enduring mystery: Who the hell convinced Peter Criss that cat makeup was a cool look? Hit This Gig Riot Fest: Toronto, Chicago, Denver This music festival, taking place over different weekends in different cities, features everyone from Blink-182 to Public Enemy. But the real draw is the first set of live shows in 22 years from indie legends the Replacements. Buy This Box Set The Clash, Sound System For punks the Clash were never ones to keep things simple. After all, this is a band that once released a triple album. So fans shouldn’t be surprised by this new 13-disc, boombox-shaped box set. If you’re a fan of “the…

The Hart of Dixie actress air-dries after a dip in the ocean. Consequently, we’re going to need a towel. The year was 2003. Rachel Bilson had just entered our lives as sassy Summer Roberts on the teen drama The O.C., and soon she became our favorite imaginary girlfriend. (Don’t tell Sarah Michelle Gellar.) A decade later and the 31-year-old stunner still makes our hearts pitter-patter when we watch her play a small-town doctor in Hart of Dixie. It’s not easy making an imaginary relationship last for so long, but thankfully she knows how to keep the spark alive. (Exhibit A: Photo at right.) So happy fake 10-year anniversary, Rachel! And may we have many, many more.…

How do you want to go? I would like to go peacefully. Maybe lying in a hammock on an island somewhere after eating a bunch of coconuts. Do you have any deathbed confessions? I hate musicals. There, I said it. Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why? I’m not really sure about all that—I’m getting cremated. What if you had to spend eternity in an RV with Bryan Cranston in his tighty-whities? Is that heaven or hell? Is that a serious question? Heaven, of course. What’s your last meal? Pizza and root beer. You were once a contestant on The Price Is Right. What’s the ultimate final prize you’d want to win? To have Bob Barker be my personal butler and chef for eternity. That and maybe an island. Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do…

KEN ORINGER, chef at Clio Restaurant in Boston, whips up a highbrow jello shot for low-brow slurping. Your move, Bill Cosby. CLIO JELLO SHOTS “We combined tart lime juice with Cointreau and vodka,” says Oringer. “The cayenne gives it a spicy kick, but the mint is refreshing and cooling, so it’s well-balanced.” (Makes 6-8) • 1 oz. lime juice • 1 oz. simple syrup (equal parts sugar and water, sugar dissolved) • ¼ oz. gelatin sheet or powder • 4 oz. vodka • 1 oz. Cointreau • Sea salt, fresh mint leaves, and cayenne for garnish Pour the lime juice and simple syrup into a mixing bowl, then add gelatin and let sit for three minutes. Microwave for 20 seconds, until the gelatin just melts. Add the vodka and Cointreau, pour into shot glasses, and refrigerate until set. Before serving,…

Dive Bar of the Month

The Blue Wall, Buffalo, NY Perched near the South Buffalo city line, the Blue Wall features crowds that run from sexy coeds to gnarly bikers, who bide their time watching sports on the big screen, shooting pool, and bellying up to the bar (typical drink special: two Molsons for $3.50). The Maxim-tested Buffalo wings are 20¢ per on Mondays, and they can’t be beat, even in Buffalo. 2720 Seneca St. Jello, Goodbye The Twist’n Shot is the world’s first jello shot cup that removes your boozy gelatin with a simple turn. Not since the wheel has an invention been so useful. $10/12-pack, twistnshot.com…

Can you catch a disease from a licked envelope? —Pete Sadoff Put it this way: Any mail marked bird flu, special delivery! should be returned to sender. Although cold and flu viruses only survive between a few minutes and two days, sealing them in glue can extend their lives. “DNA and germs can last decades on licked envelopes,” says Charles E. Crutchfield, medical director at the University of Minnesota Medical School. So think twice about using your tongue as a letter opener. Is it possible to literally puke your guts out? —Natalie Kersten “Usually you only puke out bile and recently ingested food,” says Richard Desi, M.D., gastroenterologist at Mercy Medical Center. “During severe episodes, you may notice what looks like tissue in your barf,” he adds. “But that’s just the inside lining of your…

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually puts his watch to his forehead and smiles. The woman notices this and asks, “What are you doing?” He says, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was testing it.” The woman asks, “What’s so special about it?” “It telepathically talks to me,” he explains. “What’s it telling you?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!” The man says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”—MARC SMITH A blonde and a brunette are out for a ride in the blonde’s new car. Suddenly, some jerk cuts them off. The…

Take a Flying Leap

1 JOIN A CIRCUS “The main places for cliff divers to start out are traveling stunt shows at fairs or theme parks. You’ll climb up a 100-foot ladder and jump into a small pool, and from there divers will go, OK, what’s my next challenge? You start adding the technical maneuvers once you’re comfortable with the height.” 2 KNOW YOUR PLACE “There are so many external factors to consider in these exotic locations. Swirling winds will push you around like a rag doll. Ocean swells can change hundreds of hours of practice in an instant. Shallow waters have almost cost a diver his life by snapping his femur like a twig.” 3 GO MENTAL “Before bed every night re-create how the dive feels emotionally. Your nervous system will kick into overdrive, your heart speeds up,…

Get a 4-Hour Body in 20 Minutes!

4-Hour mastermind TIM FERRISS motivates you to get your ass outside and in shape quickly. Your mom was just trying to get rid of you when she told you to go play outside, but it turns out that exercising in nature has benefits beyond leaving Mama alone with her chardonnay. Sports research shows that being exposed to natural imagery during breaks actually improves your mental performance. (And helps you snag dates with squirrels.) So here are Tim Ferriss’ four moves to take outside and whip you into shape—in 20 minutes or less! THE CAT CRAWL This warm-up move also stimulates the nervous system. Put your hands on the ground and keep your hips at the same level or lower than your shoulders. Make sure your legs draft behind you within your shoulders. The…

Tell If Your Online Girlfriend Is Real

Filmmaker and Catfisher MAX JOSEPH on avoiding becoming the next Manti Te’o. Don’t Date “Models” “Claiming to be a model is the most common lie—and it doesn’t stop there. They’ll pad it with things like ‘model/doctor.’ Think about how rare that is.” Dream Girls Rarely Exist “Occasionally it’s someone you know—an old friend, an ex—that’s messing with you. They know exactly the type of girl you’re going to go for, so if she seems too good to be true, she probably is.” Study Their Background “If she’s just sending you selfies or half-naked glamour shots against a white wall, that’s a red flag. And if no one else is tagged in her Facebook pictures, that’s another warning.” Use Your Name “If she can’t video-chat, ask her to send you a photo of herself holding up a piece of…

Land Your Dream Job

Stunt driver ROBERT NAGLE, who’s worked on films like Talladega Nights, on how to drive into Hollywood. DRIVE EVERYTHING Guys should familiarize themselves with as many cars as possible so they can step into anything and be comfortable. Chauffeur your grandma around in whatever old thing she owns, borrow your friend’s off-road truck, and know how to drive a stick shift—that goes without saying. BE OK AT THE BOTTOM Sometimes extras are hired as background drivers and get paid to drive around or sit in traffic with their own cars. You won’t be a part of the action, but you will be on set, so you can get an idea of what the environment is like and how a stunt sequence is run. HANG OUT WITH MOTOR HEADS You’ve got to develop a trusting relationship with…

Brown Safe VP LYNEL BERRYHILL has a few tips on how to penetrate their product. 1 “Finding the safe can be hard. I’ve installed vaults behind bookshelves and incorporated them into shoe racks: These safes are usually accessed by sensors, so look around for buttons or remote controls.” 2 “Look for the combination. I’d say 25 per cent of people write it on the safe or nearby. Exam ine calendars or photos as well—birthdays and anniversaries are common.” 3 “About 95 percent of safes are made of thin sheet metal; the walls only look thick because of the way the metal is bent. You can pry these open at the seams with three large screw drivers and a crowbar.” 4 “If it’s a sophisticated safe, you’ll need a pricey magnetic drill to destruct a…

Benz on a Budget

You’ve got to be pretty damn sexy to appear next to Kate Upton and still get anyone to look at you, but that’s exactly what the all-new Mercedes-Benz CLA250 pulled off in one of the best spots of this year’s Super Bowl. Not only is it almost as curvy as our favorite bombshell, but its sub-$30K sticker price had us choking on our seven-layer dip. We had the chance to drive the baby Benz, which hits dealerships this month, and good looks are just the beginning. The four-door coupe sticks to the road like chewed-up Trident on your shoe, and its direct-steer system and sport suspension provide tons of road feel. When we needed to blow by lesser vehicles, the seven-speed dual-clutch automatic—which we kept in sport mode—downshifted perfectly. (The…

Tailgate Touchdown

Be a parking-lot MVP with the slickest in new pre- and postgame gear. SunBrite 3260HD Weatherproof TV One reason football wins: It’s the only sport that doesn’t give a damn about rain or snow or locust invasions. And neither should your tailgate. Our favorite rainproof, sunproof, bulletproof (attention, Bears fans!) 1366x768p TV lets you tune in to tackles in even the most extreme conditions—frigid freezes as low as -24°F or heat waves up to 122°F. $1,495, sunbritetv.com Sony LBT-GPX77 Sound System Tailgating parking lots are basically boom-box battles royal—he who makes the most noise wins. The best way to cheat your way to the top: this Bluetooth-and AirPlay-enabled sound system, which blasts 1,800 watts of windshield-shaking sound, courtesy of your car’s cigarette-lighter plug. Lighter adapter sold separately. $700, sony.com Boelter Brands NFL Portable Party Fridge Get…

Don’t want summer to end? Well, tough, ya wuss! Sorry, didn’t mean to get all aggro on you. But the thing is, tough isn’t always bad: to wit, UFC bantam - weight champ Ronda Rousey, who’ll put your eyes in an arm bar with her first-ever Maxim shoot. Turn the page and prepare to submit! Ultimate Fighter superstar RONDA ROUSEY fearlessly faces down brutal opponents, but can she face Maxim’s questions? Yes, of course she can. by LAURA LEU photographs by STEPHAN WÜRTH Season 18 of The Ultimate Fighter on Fox Sports 1 is going to have a decidedly more feminine touch—one that’ll still beat people to a bloody pulp, but girly nonetheless. Because for the first time ever, not only will lady fighters compete for a UFC contract, but the team coaches will also…

RUTHIE LETS HER DEVIL OUT

For 11 saintly seasons, Reverend Camden and his family ruled the WB with their unique brand of squeaky-clean hijinks on 7th Heaven. But now Mackenzie Rosman, who played curly-haired cutie Ruthie, is 23 years old, gorgeous, and ready to let the world know. She spends her days pursuing her acting career, collecting stamps, and, well, being extremely good-looking. So please enjoy these sinfully hot photos, and we’ll meet up with you later in the confessional. Will people be surprised to see you looking like this? They might be. But you know what? It’s who I am. What was it like working with Jessica Biel, who played your big sis on 7th Heaven? I looked up to Jessie a lot. She and I connected; we were just more alike than the others. Do you remember when…

PHOTOGRAPHS BY DIANA KING Pro wrestler turned reality star Eva Marie took a break from body-slammin’ to talk about nip slips, kicking some Kardashian butt, and never, ever giving up. Catch her Sundays on E! in Total Divas and on August 18 in WWE SummerSlam on pay-per-view. You look incredible. How was the shoot? It was amazing. I truly felt like the definition of a Diva. Did you grow up on pro wrestling? What sort of kid grows up to be a WWE Diva? I was a major tomboy. I have three older brothers, so you can only imagine how that was growing up. Plus, I’m Mexican-Italian, so you kind of have to have a little bit of fire. Do you have any advice for readers who might be interested in breaking into the WWE world? My advice…

SEE FUTURE FOOTBALL

JESSE BRUKMAN DAVID SWANSON 1 ROGER GOODELL WILL... BE CAUGHT SWIMMING IN A SCROOGE McDUCK–LIKE SILO OF GOLD The NFL makes more than $9 billion in annual revenue, but for some reason 60 percent of players disapprove of the commissioner. Maybe that’s because he made almost $30 million in 2011…over $10 million more than any player. It’s no wonder that when SI named Goodell the most powerful figure in sports, he was shown sitting on the Iron Throne, looking even less sympathetic than King Joffrey. And that ain’t easy. II CLAY MATTHEWS Will Be Asked Where His Big-Ass Hammer Is Chris Hemsworth makes for a fine Thor, but he’s got nothing on the Packers’ golden-maned sack machine. If Matthews ever grew a flowing ’stache, donned a horned helmet, and joined the Vikings, he could be the first…

History of the Man Cave

illustrations by MICHAL DZIEKAN Prehistory The first man caves were, of course, caves. Dating back around 800,000 years, they were inhabited by the now extinct species Homo nohomobro. Man thropologists believe males of the species built these small enclosures as places to “just go bang rocks by myself for a while.” Fossil evidence also indicates males used the spots to celebrate after successful hunts while the tribe’s females gathered elsewhere in the shelter. Cranial reconstructions show that the eyes of the female were particularly adapted to rolling. HIGHLIGHTS 1. Thin layer of fossilized Buffalo pterodactyl wings deposited during tribal gatherings 2. Lava lamp made with actual lava 3. Comfy reclining slab 4. Wheel, up on a cement block. Evidence suggests occupant had one like it when he was 17 and was trying to restore it Ancient Greece While much…

FLOYD MAYWEATHER WILL MAKE $100 MILLION THIS YEAR.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE RICHEST MAN IN SPORTS. photographs by TIM SOTER Sometimes even America’s highest-paid athlete has to stand in line at the bank. Floyd Mayweather Jr., who is expected to earn about $100 million this year, is suffering the rare indignity of waiting for a teller at a nearly empty Bank of America in Midtown Manhattan. Boxing’s flamboyant pound-for-pound king travels by private plane, lives in a sprawling Las Vegas mansion, owns a fleet of exotic luxury cars, and regularly flashes thick wads of cash on the reality series that hypes his fights, so it’s somewhat surreal to see him silently waiting to step up to the glass. Mayweather’s friend and entourage mainstay Mack is holding a pink backpack that I suspect is filled with those money…

ICON: Don Rickles

"I busted my bird for 60 years, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head." Hello, Mr. Rickles. Oh, hi, Patrick! I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to talk to you. I’ve been around a lot of years, and you don’t get a chance to talk to Patrick very often! Well, thanks! So you just got a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Friars Club. Do you remember the first time you were roasted? Oh, sure, it was years ago. In those days it was Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. who did the roasting. Frank Sinatra was known as a tough guy. Were you ever scared of him? Well, what I did with Frank not that many people could do. He’d come up to me at dinner, and I’d…

photographs by TAGHI NADERZAD styling by STAN WILLIAMS Life is good for Jason Sudeikis. He’s engaged to Olivia Wilde (only one of the world’s most beautiful women), he’s the biggest name on Saturday Night Live (if he comes back, fingers crossed), and he’s starring in We’re the Millers, the shoot-soda-out-your-nose funniest movie of the year (think Vacation, if Clark Griswold were a drug dealer and his wife a stripper). We sat down with the lucky duck to talk basketball, fashion, and going topless. And when he ordered a Jack Daniel’s at noon, we knew he was our kind of guy. You seem like a pretty well-dressed dude, but growing up in Kansas, did you rock cowboy boots and Canadian tuxedos? No, but kids I went to school with certainly did. I was more into…

p.6: Elmer Fudd, WB/Everett Collection p.8: Cat, Shutterstock; Upton, Justin K. Aller/Getty Images; cheerleader, Wesley Hitt/Getty Images; cat, Juniors Bildarchiv GmbH/Alamy p.14: Steak, Bob Ingelhart/Getty Images; lamb, Keith Marshall/Getty Images p.16: Straight jacket, Gandee Vasan/Getty Images; Sheen, Brad White/Getty Images; padded room, Pablo Scapinachis Armstrong/Alamy; Gibson, Frazer Harrison/Getty Images; Kiss, Getty Images p.18: Rachel Bilson, Coqueran/Fame Flynet Pictures p.22: Dumb and Dumber, New Line/Neal Peters Collection; boy in pool, Rob Bartee/Alamy; Egyptian, Alexander Stepanov/Alamy; KFC chicken, Michael Neelon (misc)/Alamy p.23: Peoples Daily, Sun jun/ImagineChina; Gervais, Javier Rojas/Prensa Internacional/Zumapress.com; Jeselnik, Michael Kovac/WireImage p.25: Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series 2012, Romina Amato/Red Bull Content Pool; Steven LoBue diving from platform, Naim Chidiac/Red Bull Content Pool; Steven LoBue portrait, Richie Hopson/Red Bull Content Pool p.28: Woman, Image Source/Corbis; man’s body, Giorgio Fochesato/Getty…

Maxim Classics: July 2009

Olivia Wilde A lot has changed since Olivia appeared on the cover of Maxim fresh off her victory as 2009’s Hot 100 No.1. Back then she was insanely gorgeous and incredibly funny. These days she’s…well, insanely gorgeous and incredibly funny. At that time she was starring in the computer-game epic Tron: Legacy. Now she has Ron Howard’s car-racing flick Rush and Spike Jones’ mind-bendy Her on the way. Also? She just got engaged to SNL superman and this month’s style icon, Jason Sudeikis. If you need a ring boy, give us a call!…

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